I am a Type 2 on the enneagram, also known as the “The Helper.”
As described on the website,
” Two are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed.
At their best: unselfish, altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.”
Our basic fear: of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
Our basic desire: to feel loved
Towards the middle of November of 2018,
I started to feel a deep sense of emptiness.
At times, I wouldn’t be able to sleep or would wake up in the middle of the night because I would suddenly get emotional out of nowhere.
I started to find myself getting annoyed with God. Frustrated with the silence, fearful of the uncertainty.
If I can’t run away from God, then I am going to run at full force towards him.
“God, I know why I am in this season. I get it. You are trying to teach me something, you are trying to produce something in me and through me. I GET IT GOD. But if I am honest, I am beyond frustrated.
God if there is something else you want to teach me, show me, reveal to me… I AM READY! Let’s go. Let me have it. Or if you just simply want me to wait here quietly, then can you at least provide me with some kind of inspiration in a possible hobby I can take up while I wait? Thanks.”
If you are new to Christianity and the whole relationship with God thing, here are a couple of advices that I’ve always kept close to my heart:
- If you seek God wholeheartedly, you will find Him (Jeremiah 29:13). God draws near to those who are brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18).
- Be careful with what you pray for. Because God remembers and will answer.
And in a quiet whisper, God answered my prayer with this:
” You are not needed.”
And then like a rushing wind, his revealed truth began to pour in.
When I was in elementary school, I thought my purpose in life was for God and his people. Which is true but it was distorted because I thought it meant I was just a tool. To be needed and used.
And honestly, I found great joy in serving others and caring for people.
And I still do.
Sure, there were times I wished someone would take care of me and love me the same way I loved people. But I knew that not everyone was created the same and just accepted that I was made differently. So, I would go above and beyond, even when I knew people were taking advantage of me.
Because the truth was, I wanted to feel needed. I wanted to feel loved and that I was worthy of your love because I put in my whole heart and effort.
In this season of becoming, for the first time in my life, I realized I am not “needed” in all aspects of my life.
My family are doing exceptionally well by themselves.
My friends have other people in their lives who they turn to.
Everyone at church was a lot more busier than I was.
Of course I was needed at church… but not in the same way.
I was no longer in a relationship where I thought the person “needed” me.
So…
What happens when I am not needed? What now?
Then this thought dawned on me:
What if my family, my friends, my church, my future spouse, and even God, loved me not because they needed something but just simply because? What if my worth was not dictated by what I did and how much but instead by the truth that my spirit, body, and soul, all that I am alone is more than enough and worthy to be loved.
That in fact, I am loved beyond my understanding and any human love would be just an extra layer… a layer that can only add but never take away from the already overflowing cup filled by God alone.
Because my worth is dictated by who He is
and what He has said about me.
He says:
I am worthy
I am beautifully and wonderfully made
I am a child of God
I am his workmanship
I am made in His image
I am a friend of God
I am still the same person. You need me, I will be there in a heartbeat.
But now, I am at peace knowing that I might never be needed again.
At peace with people even rejecting my help and love.
Finally, I know how to love and serve without exception or from nothing but instead, to love and serve from the overflow.
All because,
I know I am wanted and I am loved.
He is more than enough.
Julia Anne Kim 