Julia Anne Kim

Many people have told me I have not started my grieving process yet.
Which I guess it’s true and why I am writing now.

Because the reality is, I am in survival mode.
When something traumatic happens, a disconnect occurs between my mind and heart.
A severing of the two and my mind takes over completely.

This is something I got from my mom.
In fact, many people will think that I am similar to my dad but the truth is, I am more similar to my mom and my brother to my dad.
Dad and I have similar habits and yes, there are certain things I got from him.
But at the core, when it comes to how we think, our personalities, our good and bad traits, our triggers

I am my mom.
Her stubbornness, her mental strength,
her frugalness to herself yet her heart to give unconditionally to those she loved.
I am my mom. Which is good and bad.

Because it is the mental strength that allows me to thrive under extremely stressful moments and environments.
It gives me a stubborn will to fight and never give up. Just like mom.
But it prevents me to process and give myself permission to feel my emotions. Just like mom.

I have had many traumatic moments.
And each time, it was Jesus that that would connect my mind and heart back again.
But this time, I am not sure. We will see.

But one thing I have come to learn is… I am not alone.

There is scene in the 5th Harry Potter movie,
where Luna Lovegood and Harry Potter see these skeleton shaped horses called thestrals.
Harry has been seeing them in different places and doesn’t understand why no one else sees them.
And Luna answers, “The only people who can see them are those who’ve seen death.”

And just like how Harry started to see the thestrals that were always there,
I began to find people who too have lost their parent to cancer.

Because losing a parent to cancer is like having something robbed from you.
It wasn’t her time. That was the hardest thing to see…
her will to fight and not let go.
But her body giving up.

I think about her every day. I find myself looking up at the sky a lot.
It’s weird for me to know her life has ended but life itself still moves on around me.
I hate that I grow cynical when people tell me she is in a better place because
let’s be honest. I would rather have my mom alive now.
I would rather have her grow old with my dad, for her to see her grandkids.
Her fate would have been the same but not like this.

I don’t know how I feel honestly. If you ask me, I will say I am good. Because thats how I really feel.
I don’t feel anything else.

But at times.
when I am alone and looking out at the window at my parent’s place.
Or I am walking around my mom’s favorite park.

For a moment. I find peace.
Because somehow, I sense that she is still close.

And she is smiling at me.

[Update: Mom passed away September 16th, 2023. ]

엄마 (Mom)

It has been over a month.
Yet the pain still remains.

People say you don’t move on because the pain never really goes away. You just learn to live with it.

More than anything, I find myself in denial most of the time.

I still can’t believe that you are not here,
That I can’t call you anymore after school and clinical … and tell you everything that is going on.

I can’t believe that when I come back to Seattle, I won’t be able to hug you again and hear your voice.
I can’t believe that when I have kids, you won’t be there to guide me, to help me, to comfort me.
I mean… what do you do when the person you’ve always expected to be there is no longer there?

In these last few years, you and I have became more than just mother and daughter. We came best friends.

I imagined we had many more years to talk everyday about everything and anything.
I imagined that I would take you traveling around the world.
I imagined that I would be able to give you anything and everything, just like you did for me.
And to think that those dreams will never become reality is unbearable.

A month has past.
We are trying to learn how to live with the fact that you are not here.
It’s been extremely hard and the pain at times is overwhelming.

But I hold on to the promises I made to you, what I said to you in our last conversation, and for now…
that’s what is helping me get through each day.

I miss you so much.
We will see each other again soon.
Until then…

It is has been awhile since I’ve posted…
The busyness of life has a way of consuming you

But life also has a way of putting in you a place where you are brought back to your knees again.
And while those moments suck, I appreciate it more now because it seems like it is in those moments
where I realize how much my mind, soul, and spirit needed it.

My husband and I have started to look for house and begin talking about how we want to start trying to have kids.
My mind and heart began to dream again.

Imagining the family I’ve been praying and wanting for ever since I was a kid
Imagining what my first house would like… where friends and family will come and we will create so many memories
Man, I use to journal about this growing up. Talking to God about how one day… this dream will be a reality.

But one of the sucky things about being an adult is:
Many times…reality crushes dreams

House after house, I grow discouraged.
House after house, reality reminds me of what I have and what is out of my reach.
House after house, I question many things.

Was I too hopeful? Are my expectations too high? Maybe I am being too greedy
I keep telling myself, maybe this is not the right time. I need to start working or this won’t work.

While my mind is racing, trying to be more practical, logical, realistic
Deep down… I’m struggling because I can’t ignore the fire within me

The fire who reminds me time and time again who God is.
The fire who laughs and says, ” But who you do say He is?”
And my spirit smiles and say,

“He is Jehovah Jireh.
He is God. He is the one who laid the foundation of the earth.
The one who commands the mornings and cause the dawn to know its place.
The one who satisfies the hunger of lions… the one who all of heaven bows down to.”

I never understood people who acted like the wisdom and understanding of God was limited.
Because this is about business, finance, some specific specialty, it’s different.

You telling me the God who commanded armies and warriors to victory,
the God who answered the cries of barren women,
the God who multiplied a widow’s oil to pay for her debt and more,
the God who healed the sick and raised the dead,
the God who defeated sin,

Can’t provide a vision or wisdom into your situation?

Growing up, I had God ask me many times,

” How far and deep will you believe in me?”

And with my kid like mindset and heart, I would respond,

“As far and deep as you can go.”

And my answer is something that no reality will ever change.

This post might be longer than my usual posts.
Because I think it is time to revisit a topic I haven’t processed in a long time.

If I had to describe my family to someone, I would say…
My family is like a village that has been through many battles.
The remnants of those battles are still present but there is evidence of new life everywhere.
I see where we came from, amazed and humbled by where we are now, and still hopeful for what will become of this family.

But something that has been taught to my brother and I ever since we were young was to
keep people at a distance from our family. Which has caused us sometimes to be a village that is completely isolated.
And I have realized recently that this might be something that we are doing to our significant others… keeping them at a distance.
We protect them from our family because… we have seen first hand the pain and hurt that we as a family can cause towards others.
We protect because we think others won’t understand. Won’t accept. they will judge and leave.
We protect because we don’t want people to get hurt.
It is one thing if the immediate family members get hurt by each other. I tell you, it is another to watch your family hurt those around you.

So to this day, Daniel and I act like a giant wall that stands between our family and our own world.

I am still learning. I don’t have an answer. Seems like the rest of the world has an answer for us.
But as I am sitting here, I think maybe half of the answer is time. The other half is trust.

Time needed to build a relationship. Time needed to understand the person for who they are. And Time needed to learn to love one another.
and Trust that this time will be different. To trust that we can be a village that is full of life and a village that is beyond just the four of us.

I don’t think Daniel and I will ever stop being protective towards our significant others and individual families.
But after today, I am more hopeful.

I see the fingerprints of God all over this family. I see our little village growing slowly and organically.
I see the dream that I had when I was young, of a big family where everyone is hanging out and enjoying each others’ presence,
become a reality as the four of us are learning to enjoy and cherish one another first.

I see my parents have changed as they have aged. They are now in a season in their lives where they can slowly stop the grind and enjoy life for themselves once again. To finally reap what they have sown.

I see that Daniel and I have grown up a lot. Two kids who were solely focused on their own career and ambitions now find great joy and comfort being home and giving back to our parents as they have given to us first. To finally be the son and daughter who will care for our parents and carry the legacy set by them to our future kids.

We still have a long way to go. But like I said, I am hopeful and for the first time in a long time…
I am eagerly wait for what is to come.
With expectation knowing that it is only going to get better from here.

Today, I am reminded again of what it means to be

A living testimony. A living witness.

I think the most common question I hear and get asked is:
” How do you know if God is real? How do you know if….”

And I would just answer, ” I just do.”
Which you can imagine how that makes the other person feel.
But really, I never had a “good enough” answer that I felt like would satisfy them.

But I am reminded that there is a difference between knowing something and living it.

One can have all the knowledge and information about anything and everything.
There are thousands of books on what to expect when you give birth
but it will never compare to the experience of the pain and joy that is actually experienced.

You may think you know God and even have read the Bible a few times for good measures.

But for me, I am living testimony of God’s presence and goodness.

God has and continues to answers my prayers.
And I am not talking about my own selfish prayers but the prayers that come out as I delight myself in the Lord.
But you know what, those small desires of my own heart I have sometimes… I have experienced time and time again
him answering those too out of the goodness and kindness of His love.

I have seen miracles happen.
Not simply the “mega cool ones” that people claim if they saw, they would believe.
But the miracles of people finding life and purpose beyond themselves.
The miracle of people’s heart turning and eyes opening.
Miracles of answered promises and the word of God coming to life.

I guess I will never have a good enough answer for that question: How do I know.

But I will end this post with this:

For my brothers and sisters in the faith:
Do not miss another day to experience God’s love and goodness.
I use to want fire to come down everyday. But I have found great comfort and joy in the whispers of the Lord in the mundane.
Letting me know he is near. The depth of what you can experience with God and in God is profound.
And it gets better and better the deeper you go.
For me in this season, it is not about how far I am or how much I do but just being with God.
So, just be with God today.

For those who are asking that question I can’t really answer:
I am sorry I don’t have a better answer for you.
But I imagine it like this.
You are standing outside of a grand house.
You have so many questions, curiosity of what might be inside. Who lives there, what kind of people they are.
I tell you this…You can come inside and see for yourself.
It is not always roses and peaches inside the house but I can’t imagine a life any other way.
There might not be people who have the answer but there are people who are more than willing to walk you to the door.
But they will tell you, it is your decision and choice to open the door. But don’t worry, there will be people on the other side to
journey with you through the house. And no longer will it be a stranger’s house but your house.

I am living it, It has been over 20 years since I have been walking with the Lord.
And I am still amazed and humbled.

“Answer me, O LORD, answer me, that this people may know that you, O LORD, are God, and that you have turned their hearts back.”
1 Kings 18:37

May it be so that through my life people will know

That you are Lord, you are GOD.

It has been a little over a month since I got married.

Surprisingly, I have not had a lot of people ask me,
“How is married life?”

But usually when people ask you that, people always say. ” It is good.”
What does that even mean? What does it mean “it is good?”

So here is my answer to that question:

Married life is good because I feel this sense of security.
I find comfort in my husband, knowing that we are in this for life.
I find peace in marriage and my husband in the mist of uncertainties.

Married life is fun.
Even the simple things in life I find joy knowing that I have someone to do with it.

Married life is humbling.
I have never felt more challenged and inadequate in so many ways.
I am constantly reminded that there is still so much more I have to learn and grow.

Married life at times feel like an end to something.
At the end of this month, I am legally changing my name to Park.
Literally days before I turn 30.
Even though I am excited for this new decade of being a Park,
it feels like an end to 29 years of being a Kim.
If anything, it just makes me miss my parents more and wish they were closer.

Married life is a beginning to new dreams and visions.
I spent this morning praying and envisioning what is to come this year.
The possibilities are endless.

I have come to realize that marriage is something that is not big in height but in depth.
On the outside, it might seem like nothing really has changed. Maybe that’s why people answer with
“It is good.” because eh, there is nothing really much to it.

But the truth is, I feel like there is so much more.

Ultimately,

Married life is good because I am excited for the journey ahead and what it will produce.
Every fight, every argument, every conviction, every revelation, every joyous moment
I know that it will lead me to be the woman of God I have always dreamed to be.

I’ve had people ask me how come I haven’t been posting on my blog as much.

The truth is life has gotten so busy and right now, I am at the point where I feel like I am at my limits.

And the only time I come here is to do what I do best… write to release.

I have been feeling overwhelmed. But there is one thing to feel busy. It is another to feel constantly inadequate.

I’ve been working on my prerequisites for the past four years, in hopes that I can begin a new career.
Been applying here and there, getting rejected left and right. Then I hear the frustration of urgency from close people, questioning what I have been doing with my life and time. And to make up for it, I have packed my schedule beyond what I can handle.

I am trying to keep up with my relationships but without the time and energy, I am unable to give all that I have like I use to.
And I hear from them and others that I am not being a good friend even though friendship is a two way streak.
But it is me apologizing for my failures.

I feel like I am doing my best to care for my family yet every other week, I am reminded where I have fallen short.

I am told to speak up, that I need to do what’s best for me.
But the truth is, I can’t. It is a constant turmoil in me between what I want vs. what I need to do.

I can’t do what I want or else, who is going to take care my parents’ day to day concerns?
I can’t do what I want or else, I really am a bad friend, daughter, and partner.

This isn’t something new to me. It is something I have wrestled with my whole life.

If anything, I have come to this place of peace…knowing that it is okay to not be okay.

Like I’ve mentioned in my previous post, my peace and comfort has always come from knowing
That God sees me.

That he sees my failures and loves me for who I am. That his grace is more than enough for me.
That at least with God, I am allowed to just sit and just be myself for a second.
Without the pressure to be better or do better.

That at least with God, it is not about me. But about God.
that He is good. He is faithful. He is loving. He is gracious. He is wise. He is patient. He is everything.

And that’s all that matters to me.