IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY

I’ve had people ask me how come I haven’t been posting on my blog as much.

The truth is life has gotten so busy and right now, I am at the point where I feel like I am at my limits.

And the only time I come here is to do what I do best… write to release.

I have been feeling overwhelmed. But there is one thing to feel busy. It is another to feel constantly inadequate.

I’ve been working on my prerequisites for the past four years, in hopes that I can begin a new career.
Been applying here and there, getting rejected left and right. Then I hear the frustration of urgency from close people, questioning what I have been doing with my life and time. And to make up for it, I have packed my schedule beyond what I can handle.

I am trying to keep up with my relationships but without the time and energy, I am unable to give all that I have like I use to.
And I hear from them and others that I am not being a good friend even though friendship is a two way streak.
But it is me apologizing for my failures.

I feel like I am doing my best to care for my family yet every other week, I am reminded where I have fallen short.

I am told to speak up, that I need to do what’s best for me.
But the truth is, I can’t. It is a constant turmoil in me between what I want vs. what I need to do.

I can’t do what I want or else, who is going to take care my parents’ day to day concerns?
I can’t do what I want or else, I really am a bad friend, daughter, and partner.

This isn’t something new to me. It is something I have wrestled with my whole life.

If anything, I have come to this place of peace…knowing that it is okay to not be okay.

Like I’ve mentioned in my previous post, my peace and comfort has always come from knowing
That God sees me.

That he sees my failures and loves me for who I am. That his grace is more than enough for me.
That at least with God, I am allowed to just sit and just be myself for a second.
Without the pressure to be better or do better.

That at least with God, it is not about me. But about God.
that He is good. He is faithful. He is loving. He is gracious. He is wise. He is patient. He is everything.

And that’s all that matters to me.