It is has been awhile since I’ve posted…
The busyness of life has a way of consuming you

But life also has a way of putting in you a place where you are brought back to your knees again.
And while those moments suck, I appreciate it more now because it seems like it is in those moments
where I realize how much my mind, soul, and spirit needed it.

My husband and I have started to look for house and begin talking about how we want to start trying to have kids.
My mind and heart began to dream again.

Imagining the family I’ve been praying and wanting for ever since I was a kid
Imagining what my first house would like… where friends and family will come and we will create so many memories
Man, I use to journal about this growing up. Talking to God about how one day… this dream will be a reality.

But one of the sucky things about being an adult is:
Many times…reality crushes dreams

House after house, I grow discouraged.
House after house, reality reminds me of what I have and what is out of my reach.
House after house, I question many things.

Was I too hopeful? Are my expectations too high? Maybe I am being too greedy
I keep telling myself, maybe this is not the right time. I need to start working or this won’t work.

While my mind is racing, trying to be more practical, logical, realistic
Deep down… I’m struggling because I can’t ignore the fire within me

The fire who reminds me time and time again who God is.
The fire who laughs and says, ” But who you do say He is?”
And my spirit smiles and say,

“He is Jehovah Jireh.
He is God. He is the one who laid the foundation of the earth.
The one who commands the mornings and cause the dawn to know its place.
The one who satisfies the hunger of lions… the one who all of heaven bows down to.”

I never understood people who acted like the wisdom and understanding of God was limited.
Because this is about business, finance, some specific specialty, it’s different.

You telling me the God who commanded armies and warriors to victory,
the God who answered the cries of barren women,
the God who multiplied a widow’s oil to pay for her debt and more,
the God who healed the sick and raised the dead,
the God who defeated sin,

Can’t provide a vision or wisdom into your situation?

Growing up, I had God ask me many times,

” How far and deep will you believe in me?”

And with my kid like mindset and heart, I would respond,

“As far and deep as you can go.”

And my answer is something that no reality will ever change.


I never knew how to answer people when they would asked me why I left pastoral ministry.
I think it’s because there was so much that has happened and so much to explain.
And before I can begin to share, people ask:
” Is it because of burnout? Did the church do you wrong? Too hard?”

No, I loved it. I wasn’t burnout nor tired and I loved my church more than anything.
“So why?”

And I think finally know how to answer that question:

I left pastoral ministry because God said it was time for a different thing.
Not so much a new thing because what lead me to pursue pastoral ministry in the first place was because I loved God and loved people.
And that hasn’t changed. But instead, that seed has grown bigger and wider.

Something I have been wrestling with the past four years is this feeling that there is more.
More to God, more to this life. More to what I am called for.
People have told me it’s because I am not content and don’t know how to be.
I guess they are right. I am not content.
And I do not want to live this life without experiencing the fullness of God and to miss all that he is doing on this Earth.
It’s this fire and being able to be an active participant that makes this journey with God so exciting for me.
It is the greatest source of adrenaline and life to me.

So after 16 years of when I first decided to go into pastoral ministry… and then pursue pastoral ministry to the fullest…
That season has come to a close.

Starting this month, I will begin my new journey in nursing and start my ABSN program.

I am excited for this journey. If I am honest, nursing was never a career option I considered for my life.
But after four years seeking God and discerning the next season, here I am.

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”
Isaiah 6:8

I don’t know how long this season will be or where it will lead me.

But it doesn’t matter. Because Jesus, as long as you go before me and lead me, I will follow and go.



This post might be longer than my usual posts.
Because I think it is time to revisit a topic I haven’t processed in a long time.

If I had to describe my family to someone, I would say…
My family is like a village that has been through many battles.
The remnants of those battles are still present but there is evidence of new life everywhere.
I see where we came from, amazed and humbled by where we are now, and still hopeful for what will become of this family.

But something that has been taught to my brother and I ever since we were young was to
keep people at a distance from our family. Which has caused us sometimes to be a village that is completely isolated.
And I have realized recently that this might be something that we are doing to our significant others… keeping them at a distance.
We protect them from our family because… we have seen first hand the pain and hurt that we as a family can cause towards others.
We protect because we think others won’t understand. Won’t accept. they will judge and leave.
We protect because we don’t want people to get hurt.
It is one thing if the immediate family members get hurt by each other. I tell you, it is another to watch your family hurt those around you.

So to this day, Daniel and I act like a giant wall that stands between our family and our own world.

I am still learning. I don’t have an answer. Seems like the rest of the world has an answer for us.
But as I am sitting here, I think maybe half of the answer is time. The other half is trust.

Time needed to build a relationship. Time needed to understand the person for who they are. And Time needed to learn to love one another.
and Trust that this time will be different. To trust that we can be a village that is full of life and a village that is beyond just the four of us.

I don’t think Daniel and I will ever stop being protective towards our significant others and individual families.
But after today, I am more hopeful.

I see the fingerprints of God all over this family. I see our little village growing slowly and organically.
I see the dream that I had when I was young, of a big family where everyone is hanging out and enjoying each others’ presence,
become a reality as the four of us are learning to enjoy and cherish one another first.

I see my parents have changed as they have aged. They are now in a season in their lives where they can slowly stop the grind and enjoy life for themselves once again. To finally reap what they have sown.

I see that Daniel and I have grown up a lot. Two kids who were solely focused on their own career and ambitions now find great joy and comfort being home and giving back to our parents as they have given to us first. To finally be the son and daughter who will care for our parents and carry the legacy set by them to our future kids.

We still have a long way to go. But like I said, I am hopeful and for the first time in a long time…
I am eagerly wait for what is to come.
With expectation knowing that it is only going to get better from here.



Today, I am reminded again of what it means to be

A living testimony. A living witness.

I think the most common question I hear and get asked is:
” How do you know if God is real? How do you know if….”

And I would just answer, ” I just do.”
Which you can imagine how that makes the other person feel.
But really, I never had a “good enough” answer that I felt like would satisfy them.

But I am reminded that there is a difference between knowing something and living it.

One can have all the knowledge and information about anything and everything.
There are thousands of books on what to expect when you give birth
but it will never compare to the experience of the pain and joy that is actually experienced.

You may think you know God and even have read the Bible a few times for good measures.

But for me, I am living testimony of God’s presence and goodness.

God has and continues to answers my prayers.
And I am not talking about my own selfish prayers but the prayers that come out as I delight myself in the Lord.
But you know what, those small desires of my own heart I have sometimes… I have experienced time and time again
him answering those too out of the goodness and kindness of His love.

I have seen miracles happen.
Not simply the “mega cool ones” that people claim if they saw, they would believe.
But the miracles of people finding life and purpose beyond themselves.
The miracle of people’s heart turning and eyes opening.
Miracles of answered promises and the word of God coming to life.

I guess I will never have a good enough answer for that question: How do I know.

But I will end this post with this:

For my brothers and sisters in the faith:
Do not miss another day to experience God’s love and goodness.
I use to want fire to come down everyday. But I have found great comfort and joy in the whispers of the Lord in the mundane.
Letting me know he is near. The depth of what you can experience with God and in God is profound.
And it gets better and better the deeper you go.
For me in this season, it is not about how far I am or how much I do but just being with God.
So, just be with God today.

For those who are asking that question I can’t really answer:
I am sorry I don’t have a better answer for you.
But I imagine it like this.
You are standing outside of a grand house.
You have so many questions, curiosity of what might be inside. Who lives there, what kind of people they are.
I tell you this…You can come inside and see for yourself.
It is not always roses and peaches inside the house but I can’t imagine a life any other way.
There might not be people who have the answer but there are people who are more than willing to walk you to the door.
But they will tell you, it is your decision and choice to open the door. But don’t worry, there will be people on the other side to
journey with you through the house. And no longer will it be a stranger’s house but your house.

I am living it, It has been over 20 years since I have been walking with the Lord.
And I am still amazed and humbled.

“Answer me, O LORD, answer me, that this people may know that you, O LORD, are God, and that you have turned their hearts back.”
1 Kings 18:37

May it be so that through my life people will know

That you are Lord, you are GOD.



It has been a little over a month since I got married.

Surprisingly, I have not had a lot of people ask me,
“How is married life?”

But usually when people ask you that, people always say. ” It is good.”
What does that even mean? What does it mean “it is good?”

So here is my answer to that question:

Married life is good because I feel this sense of security.
I find comfort in my husband, knowing that we are in this for life.
I find peace in marriage and my husband in the mist of uncertainties.

Married life is fun.
Even the simple things in life I find joy knowing that I have someone to do with it.

Married life is humbling.
I have never felt more challenged and inadequate in so many ways.
I am constantly reminded that there is still so much more I have to learn and grow.

Married life at times feel like an end to something.
At the end of this month, I am legally changing my name to Park.
Literally days before I turn 30.
Even though I am excited for this new decade of being a Park,
it feels like an end to 29 years of being a Kim.
If anything, it just makes me miss my parents more and wish they were closer.

Married life is a beginning to new dreams and visions.
I spent this morning praying and envisioning what is to come this year.
The possibilities are endless.

I have come to realize that marriage is something that is not big in height but in depth.
On the outside, it might seem like nothing really has changed. Maybe that’s why people answer with
“It is good.” because eh, there is nothing really much to it.

But the truth is, I feel like there is so much more.


Married life is good because I am excited for the journey ahead and what it will produce.
Every fight, every argument, every conviction, every revelation, every joyous moment
I know that it will lead me to be the woman of God I have always dreamed to be.



I’ve had people ask me how come I haven’t been posting on my blog as much.

The truth is life has gotten so busy and right now, I am at the point where I feel like I am at my limits.

And the only time I come here is to do what I do best… write to release.

I have been feeling overwhelmed. But there is one thing to feel busy. It is another to feel constantly inadequate.

I’ve been working on my prerequisites for the past four years, in hopes that I can begin a new career.
Been applying here and there, getting rejected left and right. Then I hear the frustration of urgency from close people, questioning what I have been doing with my life and time. And to make up for it, I have packed my schedule beyond what I can handle.

I am trying to keep up with my relationships but without the time and energy, I am unable to give all that I have like I use to.
And I hear from them and others that I am not being a good friend even though friendship is a two way streak.
But it is me apologizing for my failures.

I feel like I am doing my best to care for my family yet every other week, I am reminded where I have fallen short.

I am told to speak up, that I need to do what’s best for me.
But the truth is, I can’t. It is a constant turmoil in me between what I want vs. what I need to do.

I can’t do what I want or else, who is going to take care my parents’ day to day concerns?
I can’t do what I want or else, I really am a bad friend, daughter, and partner.

This isn’t something new to me. It is something I have wrestled with my whole life.

If anything, I have come to this place of peace…knowing that it is okay to not be okay.

Like I’ve mentioned in my previous post, my peace and comfort has always come from knowing
That God sees me.

That he sees my failures and loves me for who I am. That his grace is more than enough for me.
That at least with God, I am allowed to just sit and just be myself for a second.
Without the pressure to be better or do better.

That at least with God, it is not about me. But about God.
that He is good. He is faithful. He is loving. He is gracious. He is wise. He is patient. He is everything.

And that’s all that matters to me.


I realized when people talk about Christianity, we share about the good parts.
I mean, that’s the main thing. That is the gospel, the good news.

But what I don’t hear very often is how hard it is. 

How painful and heart wrenching it is to do what Christ calls you to do.

To love your enemies.
To forgive those who have wronged you.
To set your eyes on Christ and not on the gains of this world. 

And as I sit here, trying to hold on to resentment.
Trying so hard to hold on to unforgiveness and unfairness.

I realized the longer I sit in the presence of God in silence,
my grip on those things get weaker. 

As a kid and even now, my greatest comfort was
not God telling me it’s okay, everything is going to be fine.

It’s Him telling me

He sees me. 

That he sees and hears the tears that fall. 
He hears the cries of my heart.
He feels the pain that surrounds me. 

And as a kid and even now, that was more than enough for me.

That the God of the universe. The Creator of all. The Beginning and the End. The Almighty. 

He sees me. 

I am known by Him. 

And that’s the best part.


The past three months now, I feel like it’s been a season of vision.
Where I stop and seek the Lord for direction and word.
It is where I intentionally stop and wonder.

This year is like the previous years where I am excited but anxious to see what is to come.
Lord, where will you take me? Who will I meet? What obstacles and blessings are to come?

But this year is different as well.
At the same time,
I only desire for one thing this year:

For God’s people to experience and witness the living God again.
In an undeniable, tangible way.

That he truly is the Lord of all.
That is his word is true. His promises still stand.
That He is God of the universe
He is a personal God who sees you and loves you, not from afar but so intimately.

After I left pastoral ministry, I asked myself, “what’s next?”
People have repeatedly told me that I am entering the real world now.
And in the beginning, I felt like I was starting at ground zero.
Left with nothing and unequipped.
Immediately faced with my demons and insecurities
My weakness and failings were greater than my strengths.

But now, almost two years of being in “the real world”,
I realized it is in the real world where I have become desperate for the Lord again.
Believing in the impossible.
Praying boldly and humbly.

It is in the real world where I have seen signs and wonder.
Secret prayers answered publicly
Where I have come to seek him genuinely and worship him wholeheartedly.
Where my faith has been tested to great lengths
and his word is now the only thing I hold onto

So take me further and deeper Lord.
Test me in my weakness and challenge my understanding.
Let your word anchor me.
Show me your promises.
Let my faith stand guarded like a shield
And my prayers be as powerful like Elijah’s.
And let my heart grow deeper for your people

“so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the LORD is God and that there is no other.”
1 Kings 8:60


Dad also shaved his head 🙂

January 6th, 2020

Mom has officially finished her chemotherapy session.

1 month of surgery/recovery and 5 months of chemotherapy.
It has been 6 months since we as a family began this journey.

A lot of people had proclaimed that 2020 was over before the New Year came
that nothing good came to of this year.

For myself, I would have to disagree.
It is true… 2020 was the year I didn’t really achieve anything.
But it was the year that the Lord God has changed my life and deepened my faith in Him.

There’s this quote that I love and repeatedly told myself in 2020:

“I don’t care if God started it, if the enemy started, or I started it.
I know regardless who started it, it will end in God’s hand.”
– Steven Furtick

We started with breast cancer and what we ended with is:

  • Dad stopped smoking after 40 years
  • My parents’ marriage has been restored and strengthen.
  • Parents are healthier. Appreciating life itself beyond work.
  • Daniel has officially decided to become an oncologist to help future cancer patients.
    Also he got into some of the top medical schools.
  • Mom has become more generous because of the overwhelming kindness and generosity
    of customers and strangers who have gifted her with so many gifts and care packages.
  • Even during a pandemic, the Lord has provided constant business for our dry cleaning.
    We were able to hire new people so that my parents can work a half day and go on their daily hike.
  • Dad is praising the Lord everyday for His goodness.

Mom still has 6 weeks of radiation and 5 years of taking hormone blocker pills
before she can be declared cancer free.

But whenever I think back,

I can’t help but smile and praise God.

Because truly, He is good. All the time.

Piece by Piece

June 3, 2020.
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and it spread to the lymph nodes in her right arm pit.

I told God, I don’t need to know why.
All I know is that Lord you are in control.
You promised that those who seek you will find you.
You said in your word that you draw near to the broken and the humble.

So draw near Lord. Draw near.
I trust you.

Today, as I was working on my Tangled puzzle, the Spirit spoke to my heart.

I have been upset and bitter with my brother.
He is literally the golden child.
Went to Cornell, came out with a 4.3, no school debt,
and on the path of going to one of the best medical schools.
Honestly, I have never been jealous about his achievements.
However, we are literally Yin and yang.
Never really agreed on anything and completely different in every way.

During this difficult time where every member of the family
is pulling their weight to support mom,
Daniel is unable to help or visit mom
because he is working on his medical applications and interviews.
I understand. This is a critical time.
A make or break moment for Daniel’s life.
But what about mom?
When she needs you the most, where are you? Are you really this selfish?

As I was working on this puzzle, I was getting frustrated.
All the pieces are mixed up and it looks like a hot mess.
But you know, every piece goes somewhere.
Every piece matters. I just have to find it’s place.

And like always, in the Lord’s time and place,
the Spirit spoke to me . Leaving me broken and humbled
like always.

Daniel can’t drop everything. He can’t put things on pause.
Not because he is not able to. But because he is the hope for my parents.
The hope to have something to look forward to and believe in.
It would destroy my parents if because of their situation,
it somehow interfered with Daniel’s hard-work and dreams.

My dad was having a horrible day last Saturday
with people telling him and my mom negative things.
But within the hour, Daniel called telling them he literally killed the MCAT.
And by that news alone, lifted the spirits of my family.

Daniel loves mom more than anything.
He told me before going to Cornell that everything he does,
it’s for her and our parents.
That I will never understand
the burden he has to carry for our family.
And the truth is, I don’t.
because Daniel and I carry different burdens for our family.

He is a piece in this family.
A piece God intentionally placed in this household.
And now I am able to see by the grace of God and His Spirit,
that Daniel is doing exactly what he needs to do.
He is exactly where he needs to be. And the same goes for me.

So Daniel,
Go. And don’t stop.
By the grace of God, the Lord has open doors for you that no man can.
He has given you favor in the eyes of man and victory over all things like Daniel,
the person you were named after.
So, don’t worry about mom.
In the same way he has given you the grace and power to do what you are called to do,
He has given me the power and anointing to do what I am called to do for this family.
You were always the one to lead our family. To carry the household name.
Through you, we are seeing the manifestation of mom and dad’s sacrifice and lost dreams.

I support you and thank God everyday for his goodness and mercy.
I am proud of you. I always have and always will.