Julia Anne Kim

For those who have been walking with me personally for the past year know…
I have been in one crazy season.
It has been crazy and nothing like I have ever experienced before in my faith journey with God.
But I believe it has been the most authentic and transformative season.

There were many times I’ve questioned God.
Many times I’ve cried to God in anger.
Felt defeated, frustrated.

There were many times I wanted to give up.
Many times I wanted to be like “eff it. I’m over it. I give up.
Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God,
to those who are the called according to His purpose.” 

So, whatever. I will do what I want. You going to use it for your good anyways right?

But every time things got hard, I felt something anchoring me.
To the point where I get pissed at the anchoring.
A heavy weight that is undeniable. When I was really consider crossing over that line
and doing it my own way, my own time, I would always hear:

“Don’t do it. You know what God said.”

“ You will regret it. Do not forfeit what God has appointed and called for in your life.”

And I am beyond thankful for my close friends who could say the same thing and provide the divine accountability that would keep me in the will of God. 

But this pressure from people, my own fears and insecurities, the reality of life,
is too damn real and too hard.
If this pressure, this journey, was something created from my own desires and will,
then take it God. I don’t want it.

…. Wait a  minute… I think I heard someone say that before or something similar.

“ 41 He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, 42 “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done. “ Luke 22:41-42.

Jesus knew the pain he would have to endure. He knew the mockery,
the humiliation he would have to endure.
He knew he would have to die and bear the sins of the world, be separated from the Father. 
For the first time, he would experience rejection and the wrath of God.

I am not surprised Jesus said what he said. This is not worth it.
The only thing that makes all that worth it… is if it is your will. If it is for your glory.  

As I come back into the presence of God once again, possibly for the thousandth time.
I was convicted once again. I decided I can’t give up yet. I won’t give up.

Not only because I don’t want to forfeit what God has appointed for me in my life
and I want to see his promises come to pass
But for his people. That maybe through me, 

That people can come to experience the perfect love of God and come to know Christ. 
That people may come to encounter the promises and miracles of God in their present life.
That people may have the faith to believe in the word of God as truth. 

That they ultimately encounter the living God and know that He is God. 

He is real and alive. 

So if that means my faith has to be challenged, so be it.
If that means my pride has to be destroyed, so be it.
If that means I will be exposed and vulnerable to people, so be it.
If that means I am standing alone in this season, so be it. 

Whatever the cost is, if it is your will. If it is the bigger picture for your kingdom and people. 

Then I will wait on God. I will wait and obey. 

I was that person.

You know, the person who sits in the congregation and judges pastors.

When a new preacher comes or I go to a new church, I think,

“okay let’s see what this person is going to teach me.”

And when someone asks me how service was, I answer, “it was okay.”

“what do you mean okay?”

“you know, the sermon was okay. It seemed a bit all over the place,
transitions were not that solid, didn’t really feel like it connected with me.
I’m not going to go to that church. The pastor was alright.”

Then I became a pastor. I was now the one standing in front of everyone.

It was that feeling…when  sports fans watch a game and criticize
how this player should have done this and that.
How the coach should have made a certain call. 
But it’s one thing to watch the game but another to actually play on the field. 

I know that feeling… praying and wrestling on a passage with God the entire week.  

I know that feeling as Sunday draws near, you feel more and more less qualified
and not sure if this sermon is good enough.

I know that feeling right before you are about to preach or do an event,
you pray to God because at this point, there is nothing more you can do.
You did all that you could.

I know that feeling when you hear the whispers and judgment even after all that work and prayer.

I know that feeling.

Pastors are not perfect.
Some are great communicators but not relational.
Some are extremely relational but not structured and all over the place.
Some seem like they got a little bit of everything but something is still missing.
Some seem… like there are no words.

I have been in church long enough, been in ministry for some time,
to have seen the shortcomings of my pastors in different seasons.
I’ve disagreed, doubted, and judged my pastors around me.

But  I have also seen my pastors in their alone place.

I saw our leader praying alone, seeking God before he gave his sermon.
Seeking His wisdom and Spirit with the weight of an entire ministry on his shoulder.

I saw our college pastor persevere and serve his students wholeheartedly
even when you can tell he is dead tired.

I saw our youth pastors be the life of their ministry… laughing and smiling…
even when I know deep in their hearts, they are desperately clinging on to hope.

I saw our children pastors give their 110%
even when they question, “is anything I am doing or saying getting through.”

Someone asked me once, “what makes a good pastor?”
My answer is someone who genuinely fears the Lord.

Humbled enough to submit before God and understand that they are not qualified but called.
Someone who is filled with the Holy Spirit and seeks the face of God daily.

Sure, does your pastor’s sermons suck? Maybe
Are they even seeking God or being led by Him? Could be questioned
Are they not qualified for that position of leadership? Possibly 

But I wonder… did God put someone like him, like her, in that position to teach you humility?

To teach you to love your enemies.
To teach you to have the audacity to honor the leadership placed before you.
That the pastor was never meant to replace the original teacher and be the source of your growth
but instead, be the vessel that simply points you back to God.

Maybe not for you, but for me, yes to all the above. Every time.

If your leadership is below par, then God will take care of it.
Trust me, he was aware when he brought them into that position.
He was aware of what kind of person they were, what kind of leader they would turn out to be.

He knew Saul would disobey,
David would commit adultery&murder,
Moses stuttered, and that Gideon was a coward.

You know, maybe it is never really about the vessel but the God who can do all things.
The One who uses the least qualified, the lesser of these, to  show the world that He is God. 

When I see a pastor’s achievements and glory, I am reminded of the divine power and presence of God.
When I see a pastor’s shortcomings and failures, I am reminded of the grace  and love of God.

So next time you see your pastor, may your heart be filled with compassion.

And maybe,  it will lead you to say a kind word of encouragement.

Because it helps a lot 🙂

August 31, 2019 

That day marked the last day of my parents working at the Boys and Girls Club in Ballad as the night janitors.

30 years ago, my father picked up this side job along with his full time job, in hopes of making a little more money for his family.

No matter how tired they were from their day job,
no matter how much their bodies were deteriorating,

If it meant sending their kids through college
Buying them whatever they wanted
Putting a roof over their head, food on the table,
and getting them the latest gadgets

It was all worth it.

So when my father called me, saying it is finally done.
30 years of working two jobs was over.

I broke down into tears when he asked me, “I did a good job right? I was a good father, I did everything I could.”
Because he is the best father any child could have asked for.

The immigrant life is not easy. My father dreamed of becoming a successful lawyer and my mom was an established accountant.
But the two decided to sacrifice all that.
With the hopes and dreams that they could give their kids the life they never could have.

My father couldn’t go to school in the US because no one would support him financially.
His dream was shattered and now he was in a foreign country with a wife to care for.

My father told us growing up that he was working this hard so that money will never be the reason
why we couldn’t accomplish our dreams and goals.

And so,

Daniel and I had every Gameboy, the latest computer and cellphone.

We lived in a million dollar house so that Daniel and I could have sleepovers and show off to our friends.

My first car I drove was my mother’s Lexus.

Daniel came out of Cornell without any loans and is now pursuing to be a doctor.

And I am living my life to the fullest without fear and such great joy.

Daniel and I swore that we would make our parents proud in our own way.
So that their sacrifice would not be in vain.
We would make them proud in all that we do.

You never know how long a person has on this earth, so every day is precious.
So I told my dad, we are going to on many vacations.
We are going to see the world. Eat like kings and try new things.

Thank you for your sacrifice. I will never be able to pay you back. 

So, I will live my life to bring you happiness and honor.

Thank you for the sacrifice Jesus.
Thank you for your sacrifice Dad.
Sincerely, your precious daughter.

Everyone has a voice.

God intended us to use our voice to produce life and to be life.
There is great power and authority in our words.

So, how old were you when your voice was taken away? Damaged? Told it was insignificant?

Me? I was in elementary school.

Because of my life circumstances and the people around me,
I learned to just keep my opinions, thoughts, feelings, ideas, and words to myself.
That is why I started to express myself through writing. 
And with that, I took my voice, put in a box, and kept it locked away.

As I got older, there would be situations and people that would cause me to go back to that little girl state:

Where I feel paralyzed, anxious, and have no words to say.
There would be a disconnect between my voice and my heart because I would be unbearably overwhelmed with anxiety. 

But God is so good.

In this season, he pointed at that box and said, “It is time that comes out.”
Because the truth is, that was never meant to be in a box.
Damaged, broken, even dead? Humans and the enemy can do that to your voice.
But God says, “I can heal that. I can fix it. I can bring it back to life.”
Not almost as new, but as new and more.

So, with the help of therapy and the Spirit of God,
God has made me realized that
I am not a child anymore. I am an adult, a woman of God.
Not a helpless child who can’t make sense of her situation or not respond properly.

But a woman of God who is empowered by the Spirit of the Almighty God.
A person of God who is greatly loved. A woman who is wonderfully, fearfully made.

I don’t deny, ignore, or belittle my past.
But who I am is not defined by my past, but by the God who created me.
Because He looks at me with a smile and says, ” If I am for you, who can be against you?”

“haha no one God. No one can be against you.”

So, God has been providing opportunities for me to “exercise this muscle”
And one conversation after another, one confrontation after another
Every time I feel my anxiety rising, I turn to him for some help and guidance.
He gives me the strength to get back up every time.

So now, every time I hear myself say, “it’s not a big deal. Don’t speak up.”
I also hear, “Your voice is a big deal. Trust me and stand up my child.”

And with that,

I began to hear my voice once again.

What is the role of a child? 

I had my therapist ask me this question when I was sharing with him my childhood.

 I grew up thinking that my role in my family was to protect and save them.

Growing up, I even had leaders tell me that I was given certain gifts and was placed in this family because God was going to use me to save them.

Then he asked me, “So let’s say one of your students came up to you, a 9 year old, and revealed that she was in a similar circumstance/situation and proclaimed, ‘ this is my role pastor, to save and protect my family.’ What would you say to her?”

And then my mind went blank…

Because I imagined I was looking at my younger self.
A child, trying to make sense of the situation.
Trying to make sense of her parents’ dysfunction
the brokenness of this world. 

“No… I would tell her that is that is not her role.”

A child’s role is not to be the provider.
A child’s role is not to be the teacher.
A child’s role is not to be the protector.
A child’s role is not to be the savior.
A child’s role is not to be the emotional support/marriage counselor.

So what is the role of a child?

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

Due to life circumstances and my parents’ hardships and brokenness,
I was trained to think I was the provider. I was the teacher, the protector, and the savior of this household. The only thing I couldn’t do was bring in money. But everything else, I could do. I had to do.

I realize now that this understanding grew into an adult who constantly asks what she could do. A person with this need to feel needed and to be the constant support. That in all things and anything,
there is ALWAYS something I can do.

But as I wrestled with this question, wrestle with this idea… God revealed his truth:

I took on roles that were never mine to fill:

I was never meant to be the head of the household.
I was never meant to be the protector of my family.
I was never meant to the emotional support for my parents.
I was never meant to be the wife for my father or the husband for my mother.
I was never meant to be the mother for my brother.
And ultimately, I was never meant to be the replacement of God on earth.

One of the main roles described in Scripture is “Father and Child”
He is our Father and we are his children.

Doesn’t matter how old you are, doesn’t matter how mature and how “adult” you are, God calls you His child even at the age of 100.

Some of us think we can outgrow our parents and some of us take on the responsibility to care for our parents. As our parents get older, the roles seem to flip.

But do we outgrow God? Now that we are adults, does our roles flip with God as well?

Since we know more than before
We are more wiser and confident.
We’ve lived this life a little longer.
We know what is best.

But I always seem to forget the obvious truth about God:

He is GOD.
Not a human. GOD.
Not some elderly Spirit. GOD.
A divine, supernatural Spirit we can’t figure out or understand.
A divine, supernatural Person who adopts us, calls us his own, hold us with great love

Because we are his Child.

So let me ask you once again, what is the role of a child?

In this season, God has been redefining and restoring these roles for me.
As I come to recognize, now as an adult, the sovereignty of God;
what it means to be a CHILD of God and He is my FATHER.

Scripture says:

• He will lead you, guide you
• He will teach you
• He will discipline you
• He will help you. 
• He will provide all your needs
• He will protect you and give you rest.
• He will rescue you, save you.
• He has plans that will prosper you and not harm you.
• He loves us more than we can ever comprehend.

Why? Because that is what the Father does. This is who He is: A Good, Good Father. It is who He is.

And I am a child of God.

I’ve been attending church my whole life.
I’ve been believing in faith since I was a kid
I have surrendered my life multiple times.
I have lifted my hands in worship.
I have told God repeatedly,

“My life is yours.”

2019 was going to be a year to remember. And it was.
I knew it is going to be pivotal before it came.
That when I share my testimony, I will mention 2018/2019.

Because it was the time,
where I literally laid everything on the cross.
Took a step back and said,`

“God… I give you everything. I give you all of me. I give you my heart.”

I’ve “laid everything before the cross” before too.
But this time was different than the other times.

Because what you don’t know is towards the end of 2018, I had everything.
The dream job I’ve always wanted.
The career title I’ve dreamed of.
The relationship I desired.
The comfort and security of people.

I had everything I’ve ever prayed for.
All the blessings I dreamed of when I was a kid.

But God interrupted all of that and asked me, ” Can I have your heart?”

“God, What are you talking about? You have my heart.”

And then he pointed at all those things I have just listed and asked,
“then can I have all those things back?”

Here’s the thing about God.
He doesn’t want your things. He doesn’t need them.

He wants your heart. He wants all of YOU.
“Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:21

I was exposed. He saw where my treasure was,
thus where my heart really was.

I didn’t understand. I cried many nights, begging that if it is because of something I did wrong to please forgive me. But don’t take these things away God.

I know what many leaders and people would have said to someone in this moment,

“God has something better for you. 
“What God has planned for you is better than what you can imagine.”
” You hold on to something so small when God wants to give you the world.”
“Just have faith and trust God.”

We say that so easily. Until God asks YOU
to sacrifice the deepest treasures of your heart.

Because true worship requires sacrifice.

That dream
Your children
Your career
Your family
Your marriage
Your finance
Your desires
Your pride
Your reputation
Your security
Your comfort
Your time
Your service
Your addiction

And once again, you might ask yourself,

” Is this worth the sacrifice?”

Because after I surrendered all those things to God,
I wondered what do I have left then…

1. Me… as I am.
2. Jesus Christ.

I went from a list of 10+, now down to 2.

Then I wonder… what if the secret that Paul finally understood in Philippians 4:11-13, the secret of being CONTENT was…

Being content IN GOD.

That Christ is sufficient and his promises are more than enough.

I guess you will never really know if Christ is sufficient,
more than enough…

Until He is all that you have.

• 

Is it worth it?

This Christian walk with God. Obeying God… living for Jesus.

Is it worth it?

I’ve asked myself that question multiple times.
In college, in seminary, and last year.

I usually found myself wrestling with this question when I was

In a season of wilderness,
In a season where it calls for me to be faithful, to still keep sowing.
In a season where God told me to wait on him.

Many times, you can’t help but compare.
You see so many people having a great life without God.
Who are doing fine, better at times it seems than the believers.
It is not uncommon for Christians to give up on their faith.
Turn their backs and walk the other way.

Late one night on New Years Day (2019),
I came into the presence of God because at that moment,
I was defeated.
I was tired.
I was at the end.

I visualized coming face to face with God. Just me and him.

“God, is this worth it.
A life obeying you, surrendering to you, being faithful…
is it worth it?”

 with my eyes closed and tears streaming down my face,
all I saw was Jesus just looking at me

smiling

And with that, I ended up smiling too.
Because he knows and I know,

That it is worth it.

That’s the thing about living a life with God and for God.

You begin to love, forgive, and serve
not by your own strength but from an abundant source that is
divine and majestic. A love like no other.

You are able to wake up each morning with hope and strength
even when the weight of the world seems to be on your shoulders.

You find joy in the mist of your pain and loss.

You find peace even when everything around you is in chaos.

You are able to step out in confidence into what God’s calls you
even when it doesn’t make sense and outside of your ability.
Despite your fears.

You have faith for the impossible. Expecting instead of wishing.

You find a sense of purpose. That this… a life with God…
was somehow the way it was always meant to be.

So, if you are in that place, know that you are not alone.

I am right there with you.
More importantly, God is right there with you.

So, come back to the presence of God.
As you are.

Broken
Frustrated
Confused
Ashamed
Afraid
Lost
Done with everything.

And let the Love of God surround you and His Grace empower you again.
To walk another day with Him and for Him.