I Won't Give Up

For those who have been walking with me personally for the past year know…
I have been in one crazy season.
It has been crazy and nothing like I have ever experienced before in my faith journey with God.
But I believe it has been the most authentic and transformative season.

There were many times I’ve questioned God.
Many times I’ve cried to God in anger.
Felt defeated, frustrated.

There were many times I wanted to give up.
Many times I wanted to be like “eff it. I’m over it. I give up.
Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God,
to those who are the called according to His purpose.” 

So, whatever. I will do what I want. You going to use it for your good anyways right?

But every time things got hard, I felt something anchoring me.
To the point where I get pissed at the anchoring.
A heavy weight that is undeniable. When I was really consider crossing over that line
and doing it my own way, my own time, I would always hear:

“Don’t do it. You know what God said.”

“ You will regret it. Do not forfeit what God has appointed and called for in your life.”

And I am beyond thankful for my close friends who could say the same thing and provide the divine accountability that would keep me in the will of God. 

But this pressure from people, my own fears and insecurities, the reality of life,
is too damn real and too hard.
If this pressure, this journey, was something created from my own desires and will,
then take it God. I don’t want it.

…. Wait a  minute… I think I heard someone say that before or something similar.

41 He withdrew about a stone’s throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, 42 “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done. Luke 22:41-42.

Jesus knew the pain he would have to endure. He knew the mockery,
the humiliation he would have to endure.
He knew he would have to die and bear the sins of the world, be separated from the Father. 
For the first time, he would experience rejection and the wrath of God.

I am not surprised Jesus said what he said. This is not worth it.
The only thing that makes all that worth it… is if it is your will. If it is for your glory.  

As I come back into the presence of God once again, possibly for the thousandth time.
I was convicted once again. I decided I can’t give up yet. I won’t give up.

Not only because I don’t want to forfeit what God has appointed for me in my life
and I want to see his promises come to pass
But for his people. That maybe through me, 

That people can come to experience the perfect love of God and come to know Christ. 
That people may come to encounter the promises and miracles of God in their present life.
That people may have the faith to believe in the word of God as truth. 

That they ultimately encounter the living God and know that He is God. 

He is real and alive. 

So if that means my faith has to be challenged, so be it.
If that means my pride has to be destroyed, so be it.
If that means I will be exposed and vulnerable to people, so be it.
If that means I am standing alone in this season, so be it. 

Whatever the cost is, if it is your will. If it is the bigger picture for your kingdom and people. 

Then I will wait on God. I will wait and obey. 

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