Tag: featured

I am a Type 2 on the enneagram, also known as the “The Helper.”

As described on the website,

” Two are empathetic, sincere, and warm-hearted. They are friendly, generous, and self-sacrificing, but can also be sentimental, flattering, and people-pleasing. They are well-meaning and driven to be close to others, but can slip into doing things for others in order to be needed.

At their best: unselfish, altruistic, they have unconditional love for others.”
Our basic fear: of being unwanted, unworthy of being loved
Our basic desire: to feel loved

Towards the middle of November of 2018,
I started to feel a deep sense of emptiness.

At times, I wouldn’t be able to sleep or would wake up in the middle of the night because I would suddenly get emotional out of nowhere.

I started to find myself getting annoyed with God. Frustrated with the silence, fearful of the uncertainty.

If I can’t run away from God, then I am going to run at full force towards him.

“God, I know why I am in this season. I get it. You are trying to teach me something, you are trying to produce something in me and through me. I GET IT GOD. But if I am honest, I am beyond frustrated.

God if there is something else you want to teach me, show me, reveal to me… I AM READY! Let’s go. Let me have it. Or if you just simply want me to wait here quietly, then can you at least provide me with some kind of inspiration in a possible hobby I can take up while I wait? Thanks.”

If you are new to Christianity and the whole relationship with God thing, here are a couple of advices that I’ve always kept close to my heart:

1. If you seek God wholeheartedly, you will find Him (Jeremiah 29:13). God draws near to those who are brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18).
2. Be careful with what you pray for. Because God remembers and will answer. 

And in a quiet whisper, God answered my prayer with this:

” You are not needed.”

And then like a rushing wind, his revealed truth began to pour in.

When I was in elementary school, I thought my purpose in life was for God and his people. Which is true but it was distorted because I thought it meant I was just a tool. To be needed and used.

And honestly, I found great joy in serving others and caring for people.
And I still do.

Sure, there were times I wished someone would take care of me and love me the same way I loved people. But I knew that not everyone was created the same and just accepted that I was made differently. So, I would go above and beyond, even when I knew people were taking advantage of me.

Because the truth was, I wanted to feel needed. I wanted to feel loved and that I was worthy of your love because I put in my whole heart and effort.

In this season of becoming, for the first time in my life, I realized I am not “needed” in all aspects of my life.

My family are doing exceptionally well by themselves.
My friends have other people in their lives who they turn to.
Everyone at church was a lot more busier than I was.
Of course I was needed at church… but not in the same way.
I was no longer in a relationship where I thought the person “needed” me.

So…

What happens when I am not needed? What now?

Then this thought dawned on me:

What if my family, my friends, my church, my future spouse, and even God, loved me not because they needed something but just simply because? What if my worth was not dictated by what I did and how much but instead by the truth that my spirit, body, and soul, all that I am alone is more than enough and worthy to be loved.

That in fact, I am loved beyond my understanding and any human love would be just an extra layer… a layer that can only add but never take away from the already overflowing cup filled by God alone.

Because my worth is dictated by who He is
and what He has said about me.

He says:
I am worthy
I am beautifully and wonderfully made
I am a child of God
I am his workmanship
I am made in His image
I am a friend of God

I am still the same person. You need me, I will be there in a heartbeat.
But now, I am at peace knowing that I might never be needed again.
At peace with people even rejecting my help and love.

Finally, I know how to love and serve without exception or from nothing but instead, to love and serve from the overflow.

All because,
I know I am wanted and I am loved.
He is more than enough.

One of the earliest memories I have of my Uncle Iain was a conversation we had at the market

“Do you ever wonder?”
“Wonder what?”
“You know, when you look at someone, wonder what they are thinking?Why they are here, what their dreams are, what their pain is, what life is like for them?”
” No…Why would I wonder?”

“Because you then realize that there is more to life than just your own.”

Ever since that conversation, every time I find myself alone in a crowd of strangers…

On the bus,
At Starbucks,
On the corner of the street,
At school,
At work

I wonder.

I wonder what she is thinking. Why she is here.
I wonder what his dreams are.
Or what dreams he use to have before someone told him it was impossible.
I wonder if they are happy or just putting on a mask to cover their pains.
I wonder if they know that God loves them.
I wonder if they know that there is more to life than they can imagine and expect.

People come and go. It’s just “life”.

But for a moment, your paths have crossed with that someone.
That moment can be for a second or for a couple of years.

Regardless, you are now face to face.

What if we took advantage of those moments?

Because it only takes a moment to show kindness.
Because it only takes a moment to give love.
Because it only takes a moment to shoot a smile.
Because it only takes a moment for God to do a miracle.

I’m not saying we walk around with halos around our head.

But have the understanding
That we are blessed to be a blessing.  

“And God is able to bless you ABUNDANTLY, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”
2 Corinthians 9:8

So next time…

At work
On the bus
At school
At a café

Stop and wonder.

And if by chance your path crosses with someone,

Be a blessing. 

I hated this phrase: ” You need to be the bigger person.”

I hated it more when church pastors and leaders would add, “it’s because you have bigger faith.”

I thought that was stupid. Because if you have faith and know God too then we are on even playing fields. But no, it’s because I was “closer to God” that I had to be the “bigger person.”

I had a friend in college. She was a close high school friend and became one of my college roommates. Long story short, she and I had a huge altercation that basically ended our friendship and the news bled into our church community.

We ended up both serving at the high school girl’s winter retreat that same year and it was the last night of the retreat… you know… “the night.”

I was standing in the back of the sanctuary, in my own mind space with God, until a leader of mine approached me and basically told me I should go apologize to her.

My first reaction was: “Why? I didn’t do anything wrong. She should say sorry to me.”

And lo and behold, the leader uttered the death phrase:
“because you need to be the bigger person. Because she is not in the space to say sorry. You need to step up first.”

At that moment, I wanted to strangle a teddy bear because this wasn’t the first time nor the 100th time where this has happened to me and at this point, I looked at God and said, “This is so unfair. Why can’t I have someone say sorry to me first?”

I looked to find her and saw her sitting in the back row, crying by herself. And I said, fine… I will go say sorry. I approached her and apologized. We ended up talking/hugging it out. But as I left my seat and the retreat ended, something felt incomplete.

It wasn’t until 8 years later, God would complete this incomplete feeling.

At the end of 2018, an unforeseen circumstance unfolded in my life and I felt such deep pain and brokenness. It was nothing like anything I’ve ever experienced before. As time progressed, the doors to people started to close one by one.

I was angry but more than angry, I was convicted. 

Because what I realized was that if you approached people, they would be more than willing to support and care for you. Heck, they will even shoot a quick prayer to the God Almighty for you just in case he forgot about you. But only rare few will make the first move and be intentional.

But I couldn’t help but think in general,

“Why are the broken and the lost usually the ones expected to reach out and find the healthy ones?”

Do you not have eyes to see? Do you not have ears to hear? Do you not have hands and feet to move? What is preventing you to act? Inconvenience, too busy, fear, pride, reputation, or the honest truth: you just don’t really care?

God says in 1 John 3:18, “let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.”  

So, here I am one night in prayer, deep in revelation and conviction, proclaiming to God that I would never sacrifice an opportunity to provide healing or care to someone because of my pride, fear, reputation, comfort…WHATEVER!

And God, being all-knowing and all gracious, took me back to that night at the retreat and there was I was standing, watching my young self deciding whether or not to go apologize.  And at that moment, when the memory began to replay in my mind, a conviction wrapped in humility and truth quietly arrived at the doorstep of my heart. 

Even if people affirmed me by saying I did the “right thing” or sided with me telling me that she was in the wrong…

At the end of the day…

I hurt her. She was in deep pain because of me.

She might have felt embarrassed, unworthy, ashamed, and broken and it is very much possible that the reason why she was crying out to God that night was because of me. And as much as I was hurt by her too, the truth was I wasn’t in pain like she was.

It’s not about being the bigger person. It not even about who has greater faith or is closer to God. It is about being a person, a vessel, that God could use to do a miracle in you and through you.

A miracle to receive and to give perfect love:
the kind of love that covers all multitudes of sin,
the kind of love that casts out all fears,
the kind of love that never leaves you nor forsakes you
the kind of love that is sincere,
And the kind of love that makes us realize that
there is no love greater than this.

So A.,

I am so sorry. I am sorry for the words that I said that night and my actions. I wanted to say I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart, not because you needed to hear this. Because I know, with or without my sincere apology, God is a good God and he doesn’t need me to provide healing and to you show love. But it is out of the conviction and work God is doing in my heart. You have become an amazing woman, one of great influence and inspiration to others. Your heart and personality were always one of a kind and to this day, that continues to remain true. Continue to let your spirit that is created in the image of God shine brightly unto this world.

I straight up resented my family growing up. 

My parents were broken people and I swear the devil or the anti-Christ had manifested as my brother…he just hadn’t realize it yet.

But even when we had horrible moments, we would celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years with great grandeur and happiness and I held on to those memories as some of my greatest treasures. Until suddenly, all those celebrations ended before I reached high school.

 But it wasn’t about the holidays… it was about how imperfect and broken my family was compared to others. And those holidays were now a constant reminder of that.

In high school, I spent most of my Thanksgiving and New Years with my youth pastor’s family and was allowed to be a part of their family traditions. As much fun as it was and as I secretly waited to be invited every year, there was always a deep sense of emptiness…
because no matter how much I could play pretend with another family…

They were not my family.

When I came to LA, I experienced a deeper sense of family and belonging through the friends God provided and their families. At one point, I even thought God had finally answered one of my deepest prayers and desires.

Until one day, that was gone too.

And as I sat alone in the presence of God,
those negative emotions came back…

But God had a plan for me. A plan greater than my current situation and emotion. I’ve always prayed to God that he would change my family. But He was working the past 27 years to change me.

Last Thanksgiving (2018), my parents called me saying that they were going to Las Vegas to celebrate their 30th Anniversary. And what was supposed to be an exclusive trip for two, I ended up going to Vegas with them.

It had been years since I would spend 3 whole days with them and a lifetime where we as a family did something for Thanksgiving.

During this trip,

I saw on my mom’s arms dark, long burn marks caused by the dry cleaning machines. My father was limping and in constant pain because he tore a tendon in his leg from working so much. I saw the wrinkles on their faces and their bodies thinner than before. My dad wore socks with holes in them and my mom was putting on moisturizer that you can get as a sample from the Korean stores.

As much as I tried to make this experience one of the most luxurious experiences for them, my father kept asking me throughout the entire trip, “Are you happy? Are you enjoying this trip?”

And as we were walking on the Strip one night, I had a moment where I was walking behind them and realized…

These people dedicated and sacrificed everything so that my brother and I could have everything and be anything we wanted.

I have been dreaming of an ideal family… chasing after someone else’s family as my own while abandoning the one God had already given me.

And for the first time, I was not only extremely thankful but also very humbled…

It amazes me how God uses my parents to remind me of God’s unconditional, sacrificial love. I always thought because I had a relationship with God, I was the one who was the most ” Christ-like.”

But the truth is, my parents are the ones who are the most Christ-like because of the way they love.

All my parents wanted was to spend time with me. They didn’t care for the expensive buffets or the costly spas. They wanted to shower me with everything even if it meant they wouldn’t be able to buy stuff for themselves any time soon.

Because for some reason,
my brother and I are worth sacrificing everything for.

“For God so loved the world… He gave his One and Only Son…so that WHOEVER believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

Because for some reason, to God,
YOU are worth sacrificing everything for…

“Strong: (of a person’s character) showing determination, self-control, and good judgment.”
Synonyms- self-assertive, tough, strong-minded, determined

“Confidence: a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.”

A strong, confident woman…

There are different descriptions of “strong, confident” women.

1. The  sassy, strong personality who knows exactly what she wants and is considered the “dominant” one in her group. Can be labeled as the b-word but it is because she has a strong personality.
2. Women who don’t care about what other people think and are confident in their own abilities and qualities.
3. Women of great influence like Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and certain celebrities. These women leaders are labeled as strong and confident
4. Lioness, warrior, queen.

And seriously, the list goes on and on.

I’ll be completely honest, I would never use “strong” or “confident” to define me. Kind, compassionate, loyal, sacrificial… now these I’ve heard from others in how they would describe me.

However, as long as I could remember, I’ve always wanted to be strong and confident. But it always felt like there was this invisible wall between me and the “strong, confident woman” zone.

And all I could do was hope and dream that maybe one day,
I could be like those women.

I thought I just needed more years of experience. Live a little bit more and I will get there. Some people suggested I should just try be confident, try to be strong. Just do it. But it wan’t like learning a new sport or skill…

But in this season of becoming, the first thing that God brought to the table was this idea of what it means to be a strong, confident woman. And I remember the first thing I said to God in prayer was,

“I have no idea how to get there.”

A strong, confident woman. A strong, confident woman of God….

What does it mean?
What does it look like?
How is this obtained?

And no joke, I wrestled with God for a solid month on it.
Slowly but surely, God began to reveal his truth to me.

I AM Strong not because of who I am or what I can do. 
In fact, I am a lot weaker and more broken than I am willing to admit.
But it is because of who is in me. For He is Strong when I am weak.

I AM Confident because I know who goes before me and leads me. 
Who surrounds me and stands with me.

But the biggest revelation was:

These two traits were not something I would one day receive but they were always part of the original design and description of who God created me to be. He was just waiting for me to embrace it and own it.

And with that… finally…

I felt the invisible wall break.

That is the word I would use to describe this season that God has me in:
A Season of Becoming

Even though the word sounds majestic, it is not glamorous.
In fact, it is extremely messy and frustrating.
Many times it goes unnoticed by people therefore you don’t get the validation or recognition.
Months can pass and you feel like you are still in the same place.

In Luke 2:41-52, Jesus was 12 years old when his parents lost him and found him in the temple teaching. He was the Son of God. People were amazed at his understanding and answers even at such a young age. He could have started his ministry then. He could have performed miracles then. But after that incident, we don’t hear from the Son of God for 18 years.

He waited for 18 years… 30 years before he made visible movements.
I didn’t realize it before.
But could that have been the season of becoming for Jesus?

I wonder what he was thinking during that time. I wonder what his prayers were like.

What’s crazy is that His season of becoming was exponentially longer than his season of ministry. And all those years was just for a moment on the cross.

I think the hardest thing for me during this season is waiting because I want to see immediate results. I struggle with being patient… waiting….

It’s sort of like when I was a kid and I would measure my height on the wall. When I first started doing this, I would check every day to see if I got any taller. Even after a couple of months, I would still the same height. I would ask my dad if I was still growing or if I just stopped. He would laugh and say,  “You are still growing. You just can’t feel it or see it right away.”

I realize I have the same childish attitude about this process of becoming to when I was a child marking my height on the wall. I would get so frustrated with God. “That’s it!? Dang…” and I imagine God laughing at me just like my father did. 

Because the truth is,

it has only been ten months since my encounter with God and the beginning of this internal transformation and life shift. I look back and see I have grown immensely. However, I realize this season of becoming didn’t start a year ago. It started 27 years ago.

From the very beginning, I was:

Becoming the child He has created me to be,
Becoming the student He has raised me to be,
Becoming the friend He has guided me to be,
Becoming the salt and the light He has commanded me to be,
Becoming the leader He has called me to,
Becoming the pastor He has ordained me to be.

And this specific season is preparing for new marks on the wall. That I will:

Become the wife  He has desired me to be,
Become the mother He has designed me to be,
Become the influence He has challenged me to be,
Become the grandmother He has blessed me to be.

This is our life’s journey. That I will spend the rest of my life becoming.
In every season, in each of these markings, I was far from perfect and fell short every time.

In fact, I’m still becoming in all of those things.
But isn’t that the grace of God? He isn’t desiring me to become perfect.
But I am progressing.

What is amazing is at 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, whenever I feel like I have become all that God has created me to be and wanted…
looking back at all those marks of becoming on the wall…

I know He will whisper in  my heart once again and tell me that there is still so much more

To becoming.